dec 25 christmas day
2.28 am
merry christmas to everyone,
not for me though :((
trying to get some rest and sleep,
but just cant...
week has been very emotional,confusing and tiring..
was hoping that today would be atleast a happy one,
but still it has come as no surprise it wasnt..
ladyboss pinned me down and discussed mr f finally with me,
on wednesday..
so,i broke down in tears telling her everything...
told her how everything really was and i hate that
i felt hopeless..
she understood and told me,everything will be ok,dont worry
it will be sorted..
i said i hoped that for a long time,but it never did and however i try,
it just not seem to go as i wanted!
i sadi the last time he came up to talk,
i asked to please give it everything he's got to make things work
to make things ok for us if he really wanted us to be together,
and to give us a break,to think and make sure that we will be able
to go forward as it should..
i told him,i have already walked oout the door and you wont even have known,,,
you have taken all for granted..
because of these i have lost hope in all things about us,
how can you keep trying if one of you is lying?
i said,please tell me everything!
you have pushed me away,and its breaking my heart
for you not to answer any of the questions i have asked ...
we wont be able to work anything out if you wont say anything..
it was all taken in deaf ears..
he said he feels lost,i said you have to find yourself
and then we can see where we should go from here..
he went away and spoke of getting over christmas,
spending it together
and then think things after to see how it can ge better...
i said ok...
so i rranged my weekend to fit everythign
even if i knew work could be very busy..
told ladyboss on wednesday,i wont be in london
for christmas,i am dreading it becasue i know its going to
be the make or break and this time it will be for good...
she said,speak and then decide...
i was expectig this is what was going to happen,
until last minute i received a call mr f saying...
i would come up after all,
so i said,
how come whats wrong and why suddenly you need to come here?
i thought we will be down there and speak about everything?
not knowing there is something he is not telling me again and he is hiding something...:((
so,this si messed up my work ,my plans and specially how i feel about things.
there is somethig that he is not telling me...
so now,i am thinking this is muh worse than being wih someone who is a total stranger...
i kept thinking,why is he doing this? why is he lying?
what is going on wiht him i wont wish on anyone.
specially with someone i love and care about,but how can i help someone
if he wont help himself first?
it hurts my heart to know and feel that what i thought was a genuine relationship
is not what i have,to love,to trust,to make sure that everything is alright...
several times in my mind,i want to tell him...
you know i am a sugarbaby to someone who is filling the gap
that u have ignored and for sometimes i felt i was alone for a long
time and i was actually forgotten...
i miss him and tried to make him see it but clearly he didnt plan
how he will keep it going...
today i was trying my best to keep things a bit cheery
i was messaging sd,through out the weekend,
putting a smile on me in the midst of all the unhappiness
surrounding me..xxxx
i cant even feel ok,knowing it is xmas,
mr f and me spent some time with people and some just me and him...
but i kept telling myself,i am no longer inlove with him..
i was looking at him and in my heart i know he is hiding something
this is not what i wanted and this is not i should be getting!!
if he jsut told me the truthe then i know i would understand
and i will be there always beside him...
i cared for him,took care of him,but he cant even
give me the decency to tell me what i needed to know...
i just found out tonight of all nights whats the answer to my question...
i was numb, i cried but stopped becasue i thought,
i should feel better now i know some of what i want and its up to me
how i would go forward...
not sure if we will still talk now he knows i know...
but i hoped,i deserve a good explanation,
even if it means that it will lead to permanent separation.......
my heart is shattered in pieces and i wont know how to put it all back in place...
the man i actually trusted my life on,
may turn out to be the wrong one...
i have been grieving for it for a long time
i never even knew i have grown out and tired of it...
and in the process fell in love with another one..
a feeling i never thought ill have for some one...
but in the wrong situation,
and love that grew out from unconvention...
i find myself,waiting for him,
making me smile,thinking of the times we are together...
but for now,
today may spend time alone,
weeping and crying feeling that i have for something that died ...
but hoping and praying that if this is the end...
that one day there will be some one who will be just right...
just a simple man,with simple plans,a simple heart
but would be completely mine ....
